Sometimes kids are mean. Sometimes people don’t understand our family. “Sometimes adoption sucks,” says Alyssa. Yes. Sometimes it’s really, really hard. “But that’s not about you. And that’s not about me,” she added. Truth.
I am reminded how much “adoption sucks” by the tears flowing all of our house lately as we prepare to say “see you later” to our foster sons. It will be so bittersweet – they need to get where they are going. With this new perspective, I look back to when our kids came home, and I can so clearly see that we didn’t leave enough space for the grief of losing their foster parents (whether they were great or terrible) and their history. We were SO excited they were coming home that it was hard to pay close enough attention to their pain. It’s funny, because I have noticed that the more we “get” that, the more the kids talk to us. The closer we get. I used to feel threatened or something by their past. I was jealous. I wanted to look forward! Inadvertently, I think we sent the message that we couldn’t completely hold that space of grief for them. I like to think we understood this more than the average bears going in give our lines of work, but sometimes you just don’t know what you just don’t know.
A month or so ago, a kiddo was crying. “I miss my Mom.” This was quickly corrected to “I mean, my birth Mom.” It JOLTED me. That was corrected to protect ME. Oh. My. Gosh. In that deep place of sadness, my own child felt the need to protect me from a silly qualifying word. I felt terrible. I vowed to give off a different energy (which sounds weird – but I didn’t honestly say anything about it, I just felt determined to be the protector vs. the protected). This weekend, I heard – “Mom, I miss my Mom.” I have four/six kids, and I love them all. Who is to say we can’t have/love more than one “Mom” or “Dad?”
Jacob, Alyssa, Oakley, and I were on a walk tonight. One of them randomly said something like, “I love our house! I really love that we have trees to climb and stuff.” They asked how we found it, and I told them we looked at a TON of houses, but we looked at each other as soon as we came in this one and said – “This is home!” Jacob laughed, and said, “that’s funny…I felt the same way.” So…yes. Sometimes adoption sucks. Most of the time it doesn’t.