The resilience of children blows. my. mind. Truly. How these little beings can just be out doing their lives, acting like kids who haven’t been through unspeakable things…it’s amazing. Sometimes life feels so “normal” (although chaotic), I don’t think about it. Otherwise, a “normal” moment will just catch me off guard and I find myself tearing up. Alyssa and I had our first “real” fight recently. Please don’t hear that this is our first fight, we have had plenty. But it struck me after…this one was different. It wasn’t from trauma, I wasn’t “filtering” everything or being cautious with how I worded things so as not to trigger her…we were just a regular old Mom and daughter mad. We raised our voices, we stormed off. And it was kind of amazing. This is the gift we have been given…the gift of being grateful for the most ordinary of things.
We have these 6 little blessings/terrors/nutjobs/sweethearts in our home, and they all call me “Mom.” I am only the forever “Mom” for 4 of them, and it’s hard. Really, really hard. I love them all, truly. We haven’t fostered kids this young before, and I love it and I hate it. I am consumed with worry about where they will go. We have all of the responsibility, and none of the control. It’s overwhelming to think about them staying and it’s overwhelming to think about them leaving.
One particular little dude isn’t too excited about doing anything for himself. We thought it was because he didn’t have the skills or didn’t understand. False. I was initially really annoyed when we got some information that indicated this was false….you little S#%@, you have been working us! But then I stepped back and thought – what a brilliant little survivor. As humans we NEED nurturing. He hadn’t gotten it, and he figured out a way to get what he needed to thrive. So… yes, buddy, I will dress and undress you. I will put your shoes on and take them off. I will brush your teeth. I will carry you to and from the car. I will wear you on my back and I will even feed you. I know you can physically do these things, but I TRUST that you know what you need to heal. I trust you, I hear you, I see you, I’m in this with you.