I remember staring at Jax and just feeling so in awe…I MADE that! I still stare at him like that, and I often quite literally can’t resist squeezing him, kissing him, touching him. I remember having so much anxiety, and even guilt, that I would most likely never feel that way about adoptive kids. I knew, without question, that I could love them “equally,” but I didn’t know if I would have that intense NEED to be close.
Much to my surprise, I suddenly have an oddly similar feeling towards J. I want to scoop him up and kiss him all the time, and I can’t walk by him without touching him. I declared myself “attached” quite some time ago…but it keeps getting stronger. Much like when Jax was a baby, and I kept loving him more and more and thinking I couldn’t love him more. It is comforting to have this feeling with J and A! I run a support group for foster parents and parents adopting out of foster care, and someone recently asked if there were any “success stories” because everyone’s lives seemed so difficult. To me, successful and difficult are not mutually exclusive things.
While I may not ever get the honor of looking at J and A with awe and thinking, “I made that,” I CAN look at them and remind myself “I’m making that!” I am thankful for resilient kids, stretches of wonderful days to re-energize us, and big and small signs that they are exactly where they are supposed to be.